Gluten-Free Strawberry Cobbler Cake

Dear Gluten-Free Goddess,

Not another strawberry recipe. Please. And a cake recipe at that? Pfffft. I've had it with all your so called strawberry deliciousness. Will you just get over it already? (What do you think this is, strawberry season?) I'm totally bored with the whole strawberry thing. Good Gracious Lord In Heaven.

Where the bleep are the broccolini recipes? The watercress and sardine tarts? The marinated scapes, head cheese, and tripe? Where's your squid ink linguini recipe? And croissants! I can't find them anywhere.

And must I beg you for boutique bean recipes? You of all people- living in your precious New Mexico desert. Or have you moved to Hollyweird now (that figures). I need boutique heirloom bean recipes. I need my daily local vegan fiber, if you get my drift.

Hmm? None of the above? 

Figures.

But I forgive you, I guess. You're only human. You're not an actual living breathing goddess as I'm all too sure you're aware. Right?

So I say this with love--- and I'm your biggest fan, by the way. I've even won a recipe contest or two using your recipes. How cool is THAT?

I have a question for you--- since you are such a know-it-all maven.

Hope you don't mind helping me out here. I know you're probably super busy and all, but. I guess I feel I'm entitled. Because I'm such a fan. Here goes.

Why does gluten-free vegan baking suck rocks?

I mean, just in a general kind of way. It really, truly sucks!  I'm not exaggerating or indulging in hyperboloid or whatever you call it.

I'm having some trouble lately. I followed your directions. Well, mostly. I did change a few ingredients. Because you use WAY TOO much sugar and fat.  So I took out the sugar. And most of the fat. I used prune puree and mashed black beans. And I switched the starch to teff flour to increase the protein ratio. I threw in boiled flax gel. But still.

It turned out well, just icky.

Maybe it's the whole weird flour thing. The kids (spoiled brats) won't eat that quinoa stuff. And my husband can't stand the smell of buckwheat flour. And don't even mention tapioca. Not in this house.

And while we're at it? Some friendly advice.

Can you just skip the unbearable intros? You're so self-satisfied. Could you be any more full of yourself? And keep your political insinuations to yourself too, wouldja please? Not everyone is a bleeding heart rainbow diversity blah blah tree hugger believing in HOPE and peace and equal rights and affordable health care like you.

Some of us actually uphold the family unit as God intended. We honor the sacrament of marriage. Well, the 45% of us who don't end up in divorce court do, anyway. After all, this is a FOOD BLOG. Isn't the RECIPE the point? A sincere piece of advice--- just post the recipe. Nix the philosophical stuff. I don't really get it anyway, what you write. And I'm sure I'm not alone in this. Your writing is a little weird and I'm almost certain it's subversive in some sorta artsy feminist manifesto way.

Oh, and one last request. Aside from the whole vegan batter looking like snot thing. What the hell is xanthan gum, anyway? And which store in my town carries it?

Looking forward to hearing from you ASAP!

Buggy Nudnik

PS: By the way, I decided last night to start my own gluten-free vegan baking business. My goal is either to start up a bakery or be a personal gluten-free vegan chef. I figure I'm getting to be such an expert on this gluten-free baking thing, I might as well get PAID for it. So thanks for all your recipes. I'll be using them. Thought you be honored.

READ MORE and get the recipe ...