Gluten-Free Thanksgiving Recipes & Tips

Scones, pie, pumpkin bread, acorn squash, quinoa salad with pears...

Thanksgiving. Nothing sends shivers of trepidation up a gluten-free dairy-free girl's spine like the mental image of Grandma's white bread dressing, or shimmying slabs of Aunt Ida's pumpkin pie. It's a butter and wheat flour gorge fest with danger at every turn- the gut-twisting threat of thirty-six hours chugging Pepto Bismol poised to strike on every holiday decorated plate. Jovial forkfuls of tradition and conviviality aside.

It can be a nightmare, Darling.

If you're lucky, your family is tuned in to the ins and outs of celiac disease and gluten sensitivity, and they are well aware of the angst and anxiety food centric holidays can trigger for those of us who need to be vigilant about each and every spoonful of food that enters our quirky gluten-free universe. 

If you are blessed, they are thoughtful and well schooled in where gluten might lurk (turkey broth, marinades, gravy, seasoning packets, spice blends, traditional stuffing, cornbread mixes, crackers, pie crusts, soy sauce). And they don't ask questions like, You can eat "whole" wheat crackers, right? with the emphasis on the word whole as if somehow, the word itself makes the wheat magically safe for gluten sensitive folks to consume (it doesn't). 

And they don't indulge in meta messages and all that spooky passive-aggressive weirdness. They won't sigh when you politely decline a slice of Aunt Ethel's pecan pie and say, Why don't you just eat the filling and not the crust? 

They won't hold up a pitcher of turkey gravy and whisper, A little bit won't kill you.

Or my own personal favorite, Oh, go ahead... I have food allergies and I cheat.

Right.

If these persuasions are foreign to you, then you, Dear Reader, have much to be thankful for this holiday season. You are blessed with a clan that gets you, loves you without judging you, and honestly cares about every morsel that enters your fragile autoimmune universe.

So this post is for them...

The attentive Moms and Dads, compassionate Aunts and Uncles, smart-as-a-whip Grandmas and Bubbes, sisters, brothers and best buds who believe that if food is love, Thanksgiving should be fun and worry-free and delicious.

For everyone.  

No big whup.

Because after all- we know true love has great taste.

Key Tips for a Safe and Delicious

Gluten-Free Dairy-Free 

Holiday Season

If you're new to gluten-free living here's a Gluten-Free Diet Cheat Sheet to print out and keep handy. Because gluten is devious. Label reading is a must.

Marinades, broth, soy sauce, and bouillon may use wheat or barley in flavors and seasonings. Although I urge you to check your turkey for gluten-free status, most I've seen are safe- if you avoid the seasoning or gravy packet.

Bottom line?

Know your bird. Know your source. And know your ingredients, Dollface.

TIPS: For thickening gravy, whisk in a tablespoon or two of sweet rice flour. Or make an arrowroot starch slurry. {Potato flour is another choice- but be careful you don't add too much and end up with gelatinous, thick gravy you have to slice to serve}

For a non-dairy sub in pumpkin, squash and sweet potato recipes try using coconut milk- it's creamy and delicious (full fat tastes best). If you can't do coconut milk, soy milk or almond milk works beautifully. {Rice milk is rather thin. Hemp milk is an acquired taste and may be too grassy for the uninitiated.}

Another tasty non-dairy vegan choice is orange juice or apple cider. Cook carrots or cubes of winter squash with a splash of orange juice or apple cider for a lovely vegan flavor boost. Drizzle a touch of pure maple syrup.

For creamy mashed potatoes that are dairy-free I use a combo of light and fruity extra virgin olive oil and my favorite gluten-free vegan buttery spread. For creaminess, whip in some warm non-dairy milk- coconut, soy, and nut milks all work. A light gluten-free broth works, too. The trick is don't beat the potatoes to death until they're gluey (what did a potato ever do to you? Be kind).

For a dairy-free vegan butter sub in baking, my new favorite fat is organic coconut oil. I love the texture and subtle coconut flavor. 

Hate coconut oil? Try organic expeller pressed canola oil or grape seed oil (both have very neutral flavor). Any of these work well in muffins, quick breads, bread, cookie bars and cakes. When one half to one cup butter is called for in a recipe, these oils will usually work- though I typically start with a little less than the amount of butter called for and see how the batter looks.

For a vegan butter substitute in pastry and gluten-free pie crust recipes I'd choose Earth Balance sticks, Spectrum Organic Shortening or organic coconut oil.

For stuffing, simply follow your favorite recipe and substitute toasted cubes of gluten-free cornbread, corn muffins, or a loaf of store-bought gluten-free white bread. Or try my personal favorite stuffing recipe- Cornbread Stuffing with Curried Apples and Cranberries.

For a crunchy bread crumb topping, try my Crunchy Gluten-Free Breadcrumbs (process toasted gluten-free waffles into perfect golden crumbs- they make a delicious topping that can be quite the conversation starter- waffles? Really?). And no, a (true) waffle is not sweet.

For a gluten-free mac and cheese try my Kicked Up Baked Mac and Cheese Recipe or my dairy-free Baked Mac and Cheese or my totally from scratch Cheesy Uncheese Mac and Cheese (fab for vegan guests).

For a classic cookie crumb pie crust use Pamela's or Midel's Gluten-Free Gingersnaps or Pamela's cookies (Lemon or Ginger or Chocolate, depending upon the filling) processed into crumbs. I use Joy of Cooking's classic cookie/cracker crumb recipe and simply substitute with gluten-free cookies. For a butter replacement, try organic coconut oil, a good tasting vegan spread like Earth Balance.

Read on for more tips and my Gluten-Free Wheat-Free Thanksgiving worthy recipes ...

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Vegan Pumpkin Pie Praline in Coconut-Pecan Crust

A slice of vegan pumpkin pie heaven. Chill overnight for best texture. 

Karina's Gluten-Free Pumpkin Pie with Praline and Coconut-Pecan Crust

By Karina Allrich November 2010.

The key to this version of vegan pumpkin pie is the cashew cream. It thickens the pumpkin custard filling without eggs. I kid you not. This is one beautiful pie. You'll love it. And so will your guests.

The trick is to make it ahead of time- and give the pie a chance to chill thoroughly.

Prepare a 9-inch Springform pan by lining the bottom with a piece of parchment paper. (Note: This recipe really needs a 9-inch pan- I mean it. Don't use a smaller pan, Babycakes. It might overflow.)

First, make the crust.

Crust ingredients:

1 cup flaked unsweetened organic coconut
1 cup pecan pieces
1/2 cup all purpose gluten-free flour blend
1/2 cup organic light brown sugar
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
5 tablespoons vegan butter (I used Earth Balance)

Instructions:

Preheat the oven to 350ºF.

Place all of the dry ingredients into a food processor bowl and pulse until the mixture looks like coarse sand. Add in the vegan butter and pulse several times in short bursts until the crumbs are moist and begin to fall away from the sides of the bowl.

Dump the crumbs into the cake pan and spread them evenly. Using your fingers gently press the crumbs across the bottom and up the sides- about 2/3 of the way up.

Bake in the center of the oven for about 7 minutes- to set.

Remove the pan and set aside.

Meanwhile... make your filling.

Ingredients:

2 14-oz. cans organic pumpkin puree
1 1/4 cups thick cashew cream- see below for instructions
1 1/4 cups organic light brown sugar
1/2 cup coconut milk
3 tablespoons molasses
1 tablespoon pure maple syrup
1 tablespoon fresh lime juice or orange juice
2 teaspoons bourbon vanilla
2 tablespoons tapioca starch
2 teaspoons xanthan gum
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

Instructions:

Combine all of the ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Using a whisk attachment (if you have one- if not, use standard beaters) beat the ingredients on medium high until you have a smooth, creamy custard texture.

Pour the pumpkin custard into the Springform pan and smooth it out evenly. Your pan should be quite full- about 1-2 inches from the top. Place the pan into the center of the preheated 350 F degree oven. Bake for about one hour, till set, and up to 70 minutes or so, if necessary. If the cashew cream was very cold, for instance, you'll need to bake it longer. If the cashew cream was room temperature, the pie will set/bake sooner.

Check the pie at about 50 minutes, to make sure the top is not over-browning (some ovens may run hotter, etc). If the top gets too brown too soon, tent it with a piece of foil.

The pie should look set and slightly firm- though it will still shimmy a little if you shake the pan slightly. You want the center firmness to match the firmness near the outer edges. I baked mine for a full 67 minutes. Every oven is slightly different. Start with an hour in mind- and be willing to bake up to 70 minutes, if it the pie looks "loose".

That said- know that this pie firms up when chilled. It is the chilling of the cashew cream that replaces the eggs in this recipe.

Cool the pie on a wire rack until it is cool enough to handle. Place a piece of parchment paper across the top, and a dinner plate to keep it in place. Chill in the fridge for at least six hours- but preferably, overnight. It will slice best when thoroughly chilled.

Before serving, remove the outer ring of the Springform pan. Top the pie with Pecan-Pumpkin Seed Praline (recipe follows).

The pumpkin seed and pecan praline adds a delicious crunch.

Pumpkin-Pecan Praline

Ingredients:

2 tablespoons vegan butter
A couple of shakes of cinnamon
A pinch of sea salt
1/3 cup chopped pecans
1/4 cup raw pumpkin seeds
2 tablespoons organic light brown sugar
2 tablespoons gluten-free brown rice syrup or maple syrup

Instructions:

Grease a baking sheet and set aside. Heat a well seasoned, lightly oiled iron skillet over medium heat and add the vegan butter, cinnamon, sea salt, pecans, pumpkin seeds and brown sugar. Stir for a minute or a two to toast the seeds and pecans. Add the brown rice syrup and stir till bubbling and sticky.

Remove from heat; spoon and spread the praline onto a greased baking sheet to cool. Break the praline into pieces for garnishing the top of the pie. I added the praline as a garnish to slices just before serving, but if you need to make this entirely ahead of time, you could top the whole chilled pie with cooled praline pieces.

Serves 16.

GFG Notes:

Folks are sure to ask me if you could make this pie with eggs. But it's not that kind of pie. The cashew cream is a star in this recipe. If you add eggs, I suspect it would create quite a mess.

If you would like to use real butter instead of vegan butter, that would work.

If you must avoid coconut milk, you could use your usual non-dairy substitution- if the milk is rich- like a good organic soy milk. I wouldn't use rice milk. Too thin. If I had to use rice milk as the only alternative, I would choose a vanilla rice yogurt instead.

Soaking raw cashews to make cashew cream.

How to Make Cashew Cream

Cashew cream is super easy to make, and keeps for several days in the fridge, stored in an airtight container, covered.

You'll need:

2 cups organic raw cashews
Fresh filtered water

Rinse the cashews in a colander and place them in a glass or ceramic bowl. Cover them with fresh filtered water. Cover the bowl with a clean tea towel and let them soak for two hours.

Drain the cashews and pour them into a Vita-Mix or blender.
or macho blender.

Add:

A small pinch of sea salt

A small splash of full fat coconut milk- maybe 2 tablespoons

Process the cashews for a minute or two until they form a paste, adding a tiny bit more of coconut milk, if necessary, to create a thick, rich cream. Don't thin it too much, however- you want it really thick for the pie filling.

Use immediately or store, covered, in the fridge until using.

Yields roughly two cups of cashew cream.

Recipe Source: glutenfreegoddess.blogspot.com

All images & content are copyright protected, all rights reserved. Please do not use our images or content without prior permission. Thank you. 

Pumpkin Bread Pudding - Gluten-Free

Pumpkin Inspired : Bread Pudding

Don't ask me where the craving came from. Because I honestly couldn't tell you. I haven't a clue. I rarely even think about food these days (I seem to have returned to my art school habits of running on fuel comprised of coffee, painting, and music). I don't daydream of desserts or breakfast, or intricate candlelit suppers. I do not spend much time at all on the Internet lately.

I am hungry instead for inspiration. For autumn's burnished light and shadow. Rusted jewel colors and texture. Pattern. And rhythm. I am walking the local woods and creeks, listening, breathing in. Fed by the foggy morning softness and water sounds, and leafy, wet wood smoke. Gathering images and emotions for markmaking and paint slinging. Food- for better or worse (I'm not a judger)- is simply not on my radar these days.

But this weekend I woke with a curiously strong hankering for old fashioned pumpkin bread pudding. And gluten-free goodness ensued.



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Gluten-Free Vegetarian Thanksgiving Recipes

Cider roasted vegetables- pair with polenta, rice or quinoa.

For those of you celebrating Thanksgiving without the bird, here's a quick round-up of my favorite gluten-free vegetarian holiday recipes to inspire you.

Most of these recipes are actually vegan- a dairy-free plus for those of us gluten-free and casein-free. The few recipes garnished with cheese can be easily converted to dairy-free status by using your favorite vegan cheese.

In my kitchen, that's the way the cornbread crumbles.


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Gluten-Free Cornbread Stuffing + Roasted Squash

Maple Roasted Acorn Squash Two Ways- Stuffed + Unstuffed (Cornbread Stuffing)

While we're all adjusting to turning the clocks back (excuse me while I yawn), I thought I'd reprise two Thanksgiving friendly recipes today. Both recipes are redolent with old fashioned autumnal goodness. Warm and subtle spices. Maple. Apple. It doesn't get any comfy-cozier.

First up is an easy, favorite side dish of mine- maple roasted acorn squash (and it's vegan, therefore perfect for those of you sharing your humble meal with vegetarian and dairy-free guests). The second dish is one of my oldest tried and true recipes.

It is from my very first Thanksgiving as a married woman, in fact.

We won't discuss how long ago that was, Darling, but I will admit it was way back with Husband Number #1 (it being first and all). I was anxious to do it up with style on my first Thanksgiving (as any blushing bride would be) and had the sudden inspiration to use cornbread and apples as a stuffing instead of the traditional- and familial on both sides- bagged white bread and sage dressing. And then I added curry. Maybe that's when they began to notice I wasn't exactly a dyed-in-the-wool Pilgrim-esque kind of girl.

I'm not at all certain Husband #1 cared for it.

Husband #2 is a huge cornbread fan. And a curry fan.

Coincidence?


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Gluten-Free Thanksgiving Side Dishes

Quinoa Mushroom Pilaf

Need some gluten-free inspiration for your Thanksgiving feast? Have I got some side dishes for you. From Quinoa Mushroom Pilaf to Pomegranate Glazed Green Beans, from Sweet Potato Cornbread to Cranberry Applesauce and more, I've gathered together my favorite gluten-free side dish recipes. One glance at these offerings should convince even the most die hard skeptics that living gluten-free can be more than delicious.

It can be beautiful.


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Gluten-Free Sweet Potato Pie - Easy Recipe

Gluten-free sweet potato pie- and vegan, too.

Easy as Pie (Sweet Potato Pie!)

The afternoon sun is spinning the seaside air that particular autumn gold, burnished and warm and chilly all at once. Delicious. And gone too soon. The sun will officially set tonight at 4:50. I feel as if I am running out of time. There is so much I want to do- and never get done. I surrender my expectations day after day. The pile of choices snipped free by my dwindling energy is gathering a bulk and momentum akin to the dirty laundry (I’m still waiting for the post-menopausal zest promised by Margaret Mead).

But Santa Monica does not fade after dark. Her charms only deepen. So we walk after dinner to the Third Street Promenade and listen to the brave souls who risk their ego and their artistry (the unkind among us might quip, questionable talent) crooning songs or plucking violins or juggling. Palm readers and skateboarding bulldogs aside, it takes guts to stand in public and offer up a tune or a dance.

I come home inspired.

I am thinking a lot about my life these days. And what I want to do with the rest of it. Moving here is a new beginning (well, yeah, obviously). I am reinventing the woman I used to be. Spinning my own autumn magic from bits of bone and history.

I am not sure yet where I am headed. Or what will snag my interest. I am not sure what I will paint. Or write about. Maybe I should write a script. Or a book. About a woman. Someone I used to know (or thought I did). I look back into the past and wonder, did I invent her- cobbling disparate pieces of memory and duty and dreams? She is like a stranger to me now. Like a character in a movie I once saw. You know, that actress?

I can't remember her name.

It's not easy to determine these things, to peel back the past and keep only what is true.

There is a lot that no longer fits.

There are skins that itch to be shed. Old habits that are losing their velvet grip. Patterns and assumptions that chafe and seem downright absurd. Even comical now.

And then, there is suddenly so much space, so much sea and sky.

The burned and smoldering barn has been raked and sifted, the ashes buried or flipped into the desert wind. This bare-armed back slide of adolescence in reverse evokes the sensation of free falling back into girlhood. Like that first solo bike ride after a stifling family dinner when you finally wiggled away and peddled down the driveway past the porches past the neighborhood into the indigo evening air, unsure of the territory, grip strong, clean faced, exhilarated, with no map in your pocket but your belief in possibility.

A slice of sweet potato pie and a fresh, hot cup of coffee. Bliss.

Easy, Gluten-Free Sweet Potato Pie Recipe

Originally published November 2009.

 I made this melt-in-your-mouth pie in my new green apple Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer, using the whisk attachment. It whipped up the pudding-like filling in no time flat. I let it beat for maybe 4 minutes. Have I mentioned my favorite aspect of this retro-glorious beast? Beating ingredients with two hands free. How have I baked gluten-free without one? I love it.

Ingredients:

1 15-oz can sweet potato puree (or 2 cups fresh cooked sweet potato, mashed)

3/4 cup organic brown sugar, packed

2 tablespoons pure maple syrup

1/4 cup GF buckwheat flour or certified gluten-free oat flour

1/4 cup sorghum flour

2 tablespoons tapioca starch

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon xanthan gum

1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

1/4 teaspoon ground cloves

2 tablespoons light olive oil

1 tablespoon Ener-G egg replacer whisked with 4 tablespoons warm water till frothy (or 2 eggs)

1 cup vanilla hemp milk, coconut milk or almond milk

1 tablespoon bourbon vanilla extract

Instructions:

Preheat the oven to 375ºF. Lightly oil a 9-inch glass pie plate.

Combine the ingredients in a mixing bowl. Beat until the filling is smooth and creamy. Stop and scrape the sides of the bowl, if necessary to incorporate all of the dry ingredients.

Pour into the prepared pie plate and smooth evenly. Bake in the center of a preheated oven for 45 minutes. Lower the temperature to 350 degrees F and continue to bake for an additional 15 to 20 minutes until done. My pie took close to 70 minutes to bake.

The pie should be firm- but still give a little when lightly touched. The center should not be wet. It will fall a bit as it cools, and may even sport some cracks around the edge, like my Flourless Chocolate Cake recipe.

Cool the pie on a wire rack completely. Cover and chill in the refrigerator until serving. Chill at least four hours for best taste and texture. Chilling the pie overnight is even better.

Serve cold or slightly chilled. Sprinkle with toasted chopped pecans, if you like. Or try it with a scoop of coconut milk ice cream.

Cook time: 70 min

Yield: 8 servings

Recipe Source: glutenfreegoddess.blogspot.com

All images & content are copyright protected, all rights reserved. Please do not use our images or content without prior permission. Thank you.

 

Karina's Note:

If you don't have sweet potato, try canned pumpkin or squash in this recipe. Both work extremely well.

Crave whipped cream? Look for a gluten-free non-dairy coconut milk, soy or rice based whip in the dairy section.

Gluten-Free Turkey & Sweet Potato Enchiladas

Gluten-free turkey and sweet potato enchiladas.

Enchiladas, Family Style 

This Friday is just like any other out here in the New Mexico hinterland. There were big-eared rabbits eating breakfast (nibbling spare tufts of grass). A chickadee or two in the junipers. Pink light on the distant mesas. And as far as I know, no scary crush of shoppers at the Espanola Walmart. At least I haven't heard any sirens off in the distance. Truth be told I haven't budged from my casita (and I have no plans to). Nope. It's just another day here, call it what you want. Black Friday is quiet as an empty nest. So I thought I'd share a recipe for leftover turkey and sweet potatoes- a surprisingly tasty combo.

As always, make it as mild or as spicy as your little heart desires.

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Easy Gluten-Free Pumpkin Pie Recipe

Easy. As. Pie.

This will be one of our little secrets, okay? Just make this impossible pumpkin pie recipe and serve it with a smile. No apologies. No caveats. No waffling or waggling. You don't have to label it vegan. Or gluten-free. Or lactose-free. Which it is. Because no one will ever know. It tastes that good. And you'll score serious points with your vegan guests. You'll be a hero to gluten-free pie lovers. A goddess to egg-free pumpkin-cravers. A rock star to dairy-free angels.

My secret? It's in the details.

First- no tofu (yes, Babycakes, my pumpkin pie is soy-free so you won't have to put up with your cousin's tofu jokes on Thanksgiving).

Second- it's also rice-free. No gritty rice flour (which, come to think of it, I am hardly using any more). No cornstarch (for those of you avoiding corn).

In a sweet little virtual nutshell-- it's very food allergy friendly.

Even your Aunt Sadie who is allergic to Wyoming might be able to eat this. Unless she's allergic to pumpkin. 

Then you're screwed.

My secret ingredient? My favorite grain of late. Buckwheat. I thank my lucky stars every night that I can eat buckwheat, not only because it's deeply familiar, ingrained as it is in my semi-Ashkenazi bones (while the Scot-Irish half of me pines for Guinness), it's a cereal-free "grain" with a soft, sweet nutty taste and a higher protein content than many other gluten-free flours. And it is drop-dead sexy in baking (have you tried my Buckwheat Chocolate Chip Cookies? My Pumpkin Raisin Cake?).

Buckwheat? In a pumpkin pie? you ask.

Affirmative. You see, this is a crustless pumpkin pie- a close relative of my crustless quiches (though they contain eggs which helps beyond imagining- but vegans, keep the faith, because I'm also working on an eggless quiche slash kugel). As impossible as it seems (okay, allow me, please, a corny nod to the old Bisquick trick) the buckwheat flour helps create a tender and barely discernible crust, which- for a quasi-baker like me is a high-fiving relief because there is nothing I have less patience for than wrangling with fall-apart-when-you-sneeze gluten-free pie crust dough. Well. 

That's not entirely true.

I have even less patience for the fear-spiking sensationalism media corporations serve up as news when it is anything but. It's enough to give any sensitive soul severe schpilkis.

Which is why I disconnected my cable TV.

One hundred and twenty-eight dollars a month to get heartburn?

I don't think so.

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A Trio of Tasty Turkey Recipes- Gluten-Free

Here are three delicious ways to use up leftover gluten-free turkey. One retro classic, Tetrazzini style, with brown rice noodles. One fabulous southwestern style enchilada recipe that has leftover turkey flirting with sweet potatoes. And last but always fabulous, our easy family favorite- turkey nachos with jalapenos and blue corn chips.

Gluten-free turkey tetrazzini- a retro classic, updated.

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Gluten-Free Dairy-Free Holiday Tips

Getting through the holidays gluten and dairy free can be tough. Let me tell ya. But then, the holidays were always a challenge for me because I was mostly vegetarian for decades (meaning ovo-lacto vegetarian and sometimes vegan). In truth, Gentle Reader, my holiday foods have often tended, shall we say, to be a tad different from mainstream holiday fare.

Being the wild and free goddess-in-training I was back in those golden zen-kissed crunchy pre-celiac days, I learned early on how to tweak traditional recipes and reinvent old favorites- like using coconut milk as a vegan (non-dairy) sub in whipped sweet potatoes (everyone loved this!) and subbing butter and cream with vegetable broth and crushed roasted garlic in fluffy smashed potatoes. No one missed the animal fat (unless they were just being polite).

My stuffing back then (baked as a casserole) was naturally gluten-free. I used cubes of toasted cornbread tossed with a skillet of softened onions, celery, chopped apple and cranberries seasoned with a touch of curry- then moistened with broth and baked till golden- sometimes with pine nuts or pecans on top.

Instead of serving green beans swimming in canned mushroom soup (because I never- and I mean, never- got the appeal of that goopy combination) I roasted fresh green beans in sea salt and balsamic vinegar- just until tender-crisp. Or did this simple but elegant recipe with pomegranate glaze.

Lucky for me, I enjoyed thinking "outside the box". And in my vegan years- not once- did I make a turkey out of tofu.

Who needs tofurky when you have Sweet Potato Black Bean Enchiladas?

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Beef + Mushroom Stuffed Acorn Squash

A hearty stuffed acorn squash recipe- paleo style comfort food for omnivores.

Feeding Paleo Appetites

Yours truly has been stewing. Not in the culinary sense, Darling. Stewing about Sting. And Oy, the photo of him ducking his head down in the back seat of his silver SUV outside the "exclusive" Hamburg brothel Relax. Ouch. A sheepish duck that possibly allegedly connotes canoodling guilt (okay, maybe he didn't actually canoodle-- maybe he innocently indulged in some very chaste and proper lap dances in a post-concert-suffering-from-exhaustion kinda way, you know, while sans wife Trudie and his six children).

Whatever.

I know I'm a little old-school on the whole marriage fidelity thing. I admit it. Marriage- in my book- means monogamy. If you can't keep it in your pants, Buster, why on Earth bother to marry? Go have fun. Who's stopping you? And, yes, even while I'm snug in my quaint monogamy I am well aware that many celebrity marriages are, shall we say, open arrangements (if not totally a sham-- arranged strictly for PR to hide a secret life and keep the heart throb action hero millions flowing in). But I have to ask. Exactly what brilliant meta message in a bottle does this send to your three beautiful daughters, Gordon? 

Oh well. I'm trying my best not to judge. Maybe Trudie's fine with it. Maybe she just got tired of all that tantric sex Sting blathered about in the press while their daughters were in middle school.

Back in the humble world of non-rock star status I may have to edit my Honda Fit driving playlist. I mean, there I was, scooting down to Santa Fe with my muffin-baking dish-washing stripclub-free husband- to buy acorn squash, grass fed organic beef, and roses- and every other song blasting over the audio system- it seemed- was a Sting song. I spent half the time in the car reaching over to push the next button.

Man, said my ho-free husband, You're tough. So are you ever going to listen to him again?

The post-feminist warrior mother goddess stirred inside.

Done with Sting, I answered.

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